What to Do if We Feel Like Grieving after Loss of a Loved One?

Grieving after loss of a loved one is natural. However, if we think over it a little, we will understand that by being sad or by crying, the loved one who has died will not come back. What should we do at that time so that there remains peace in the house and the Soul of the relative also has peace?

Remembrance of the person will not stop. Therefore, as many times as s/he is remembered, those many times, remembering all the pain that has been caused to them by us so far, we should keep asking for forgiveness from the Lord sitting within them and should go on praying that wherever they are, may they attain happiness and peace.

By crying, the vibration of pain reaches them:

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, if we get sad here, then its vibrations reach that relative (who is dead), and the Soul of the deceased, wherever it is, suffers pain. The reason for this to happen is the attachment-hatred and affection towards each other.

What to do to let go of the bonds of attachment-hatred and affection for the dead person? Instead of being sad (upon his/her death), pray that wherever s/he is, may they attain happiness and peace, may they attain a higher life-form. Doing so brings happiness and peace to the Soul of the dead person. Instead of grieving death, remember that relative with inner calm and compose, pray and do Pratikraman. Pratikraman means remembering whatever mistakes have happened towards the dead person throughout our life, seeking forgiveness for that with all our heart, and resolving not to make such mistakes with anyone again. Whatever attachment-hatred, illusionary love, dislike, contempt has happened with that person, all of it should be washed away with repentance. If, from our side, we do not wash away the attachment-hatred-illusionary love, then we will keep hindering the progress of our own loved one.

Read: Prayer to be done at the time of the death of the loved one.

Questioner: So how should we do pratikraman for a person who is deceased?

Dadashri: First recall the Pure Soul, who is completely separate from the mind, body, and speech, the charge karma, the subtle discharge karma, and the gross discharge karma, the name of the deceased person and all illusion related to the name of the deceased person. And then recall the mistakes that were made [alochana]. [Say internally,] ‘I repent over these mistakes, please forgive me for these mistakes [pratikraman]. I am making the firm resolve to not repeat these mistakes [pratyakhyan]’; make a firm determination in this way.

Instead of feeling sad, pray for their well-being:

One uncle had come to satsang after his young son had passed away. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gave that person a solution that whenever he remembers his son, he must say, ‘May his Soul attain well-being.’ By taking the name of the God of faith, he may constantly go on harnessing the intent that, ‘May the welfare of the son's Soul be done.’

He said, "We have lived with him continuously, have eaten together, so we should harness the intent that his welfare be done. When we are intending good for others, then what all would we not do for our own person?" And that person was convinced. Following are some excerpts from the conversation with him.

This is not in our hands, and the poor person feels unhappy there. The effect of our grief reaches him over there. So, neither do we allow him to be happy, nor are we happy. That is why scripture- writers have stated that, ‘Do not grieve once they are gone.’ So what our people did was that arrange the reading of Garud Puraan (one of the 18 ancient texts of Hinduism), arrange other things, do puja and forget [the deceased] in your mind. Did you do any of these arrangements? Even then you forgot him, didn’t you?

Questioner: But I cannot forget him. We had such a smooth father and son relationship, so I cannot forget him.

Dadashri: Yes, you cannot forget him, but if you do not forget him, then you will feel hurt and he will also feel hurt wherever he is. As a father, it will not do any good if you keep feeling hurt over him internally in this way.

Questioner: How does it hurt him?

Dadashri: If you feel hurt over him here, then the effect of that will not refrain from reaching him. Everything in the world is like a telephone; this world is like a television[signal]! And if you grieve over him here, then is he likely to come back?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: Is there any way that he will come back?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: When you grieve, it reaches him, and when you engage in devotional worship in his name, even in that case, our intentions reach him and he will be at peace. What do you think about giving him peace? And it is your duty to give him peace, isn’t it? So, do something that makes him feel good. You can distribute some sweets to the children at school; you can do something like that.

We cry because of our own attachment and selfishness:

When we see some funeral passing by on the road, we happen to sympathize or pray, but do we cry? No! Because we do not know that person at all. Or we know them, but we are not closely related to them. But if some close relative’s death happens, we certainly cry; crying is inevitable. Death is death. Then what is the difference between these two situations? One person's death is making us cry while the other person's death does not. Actually, it is not the person but our affection (mamta) and attachment (moh) that makes us cry. The more the attachment, the more the crying. The attachment towards the person is thus released through tears.

Secondly, no family member cries thinking that, “Who will feed him every day without me? He liked the tea prepared by me, who will prepare it for him there?” But, "My support is gone, what will happen to me now?", one cries at that thought. If the elder of the household, whose earnings are running the house, suddenly passes away and has not left behind any wealth, one cries at the thought of the financial hardship one will have to undergo. The person with whom we used to live day and night, on his departure, one weeps out of fear that the loneliness in the house will now consume him. One cries upon thinking that who will take care of my children. In short, subtly, there is some selfishness that makes us cry. But if prior to the death of the person (the loved one), a person is prepared mentally, financially and socially, one does not cry much. Then grieving after loss does not occur.

Pujya Niruma narrates an interesting incident. It had been a month since one person’s Uncle passed away, but the Aunt kept crying very loudly. The person consoled a lot, yet the crying of Aunt wouldn’t stop. Then, Pujya Niruma met the Aunt and she explained to her, "Aunty, it’s been a month now, by now Uncle would have already taken birth somewhere else." Because the moment Soul leaves one body, that very moment, it stretches, gets lengthened and enters in another body, where the father's sperm and the mother's ovum happen to meet, and takes birth immediately; so the person who dies has been born somewhere immediately. Then, Pujya Niruma asked the lady a probing question, "Suppose after ten to fifteen years, you die, then would Uncle be waiting for you or he would have settled with some other Aunt?" Because the Aunt would be ten-fifteen years younger than him then. Aunt instantly realized and she became quite calm then. Then, she said, "That's true, I won't cry anymore." Thus, with right understanding, the pain of relative’s death is forgotten.

Time is the medicine of every pain. As time passes, the pain of the person's departure is automatically forgotten, the void is filled. After a few months or years, life becomes quite normal. Now, the days seem to pass the way days were being passed earlier.

Company only upto the cremation ground!

Param Pujya Dadashri, from a very practical viewpoint, gives an exact description of one’s condition at the time of the death of a loved one, and asks questions that may sound a bit tough while hearing, but they definitely get us thinking. Pondering over it reveals what the reality of the world is.

Ever thought that at the time of death of the dearest relative in the family, there are many in the family who say that, "I can't live without you!", but does anyone really jump into the pyre behind him? After burning the body in the crematorium, do all not come home and then sit and have tea and breakfast? After a person's departure, do the people of the house cry out of worries for him (the loved one who has died) or do they cry more-so because of their own concerns?

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan here opens up the understanding regarding grieving after loss of a loved one from a practical point of view.

Dadashri: There’s this pillow here; the cover on the pillow keeps changing, but the pillow remains the same. When the pillow cover becomes ragged, it is discarded. Likewise, this ‘cover’ [the body] also will keep changing.

This entire world is hollow and without any substance. Yet, in worldly interaction, if one does not talk, the other person shall feel hurt. Nevertheless, no one has ever fallen into the funeral pyre along with their loved one. All family members return home. They are all sensible, even the grieving mother returns home.

Questioner: Moreover, if the deceased has not bequeathed anything to the family, they will cry and complain that he has left them nothing. And if he leaves them enough, then they will remain silent.

Dadashri: Yes, that is how it is. They shed tears because he has left them nothing. They will even talk amongst themselves that, “He died and ended up killing us too! He didn’t leave us anything and ended up killing us too!” Now, the (real) reason why he did not leave them anything is because his wife did not have sufficient merit (good) karma to her account; but since the deceased was destined to be verbally abused, he ends up being verbally abused! He gets berated!

And when our people go to the cremation ground, they don’t come back? Or do they all come back? So, this is all a show of one kind! And if one does not cry, then also it is a problem, and if one cries, then also it is a problem. When one cries a lot, people tell him, “Do people not die in other people’s house, then why are you going on crying and crying like this? Are you out of your mind or what?” And if one does not cry, then people will say, “You are like a stone, your heart is made of stone!” So which side to go, that only is a problem! Everything should be in an appropriate manner; that’s what they’ll [the people of the world] say.

They cremate the body in the crematorium and then they go to the restaurant nearby and have tea and snacks. Don’t people do this?

Questioner: They take snacks along with them!

Dadashri: Is that so! Don’t tell me? So this is how the world is! How does one manage in a world like this?

People say things like ‘may go-come again’, but they do not mean it. Do you take it seriously? Do you? Not even for your wife or even anyone else?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: Oh, really! A man dotes on his wife and tells her he cannot live without her and yet he would not go into the funeral pyre with her! Would anyone do that?

Crying – Wandering till the end of Kalp (end of era):

At the time of the death of a relative, sometimes it is also seen that the family members do a lot of crying. Many people bang their heads and as a result, they even become unconscious. It is understandable that death is a painful moment. But that which has no solution at all, that which cannot be avoided, that which is really a place to join your hands and legs and sit down, there if we bang our hands-legs and head, then what do we get?

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “If you do this crying (kalpaant) once, then your wandering until the end of the 'kalp' gets fixed. It is a wandering that shall go on up to the end of one entire 'kalp'!”

One kalp means one half portion of the entire time-cycle. Till the end of the kalp means to wander again for another six aara. Therefore, as much as possible, try to settle the pain of death without crying.

Gone is gone, now take care of those present:

No one comes with a fruit of immortality. If we keep grieving after loss of a loved one, then time is wrongly wasted. As a responsible person in the house, during such time, it is our duty that we take care of the other people in the house. Who are gone are gone, but those who are present, mother-father, husband-wife or children, we should take care of them.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says, “Give peace and happiness to those who are living. Those who are gone are gone, stop even remembering them. Our duty is to give peace and happiness to those who are dependent upon us. Does it make sense to remember those who have gone instead of giving peace to those [who are still living]? So, you are abandoning all your duties."