What Is definition of love?

Saint Kabir has said,

“Pustak padh padh jag mua, pandit bhaya na koi,
Dhhai akshar prem ka, padhhe so pandit hoi.”

Meaning: People in the world have died reading and reading various books, but not one has become a scholar. Read scriptures after scriptures, but since one could not attain the two and a half letters (of the word Prem), one wandered. But the one who understands just the two and a half letters of Prem (love), has become a scholar. When one becomes the embodiment of love, there the entire scripture ends.

Definition of Love

Since childhood, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan also wondered what is the real meaning of love. Finally, He found it.

Dadashri: What is the definition of love?

Questioner: I do not know, Dada. Please explain it to me.

Dadashri: I too was looking for the definition of love when I was young! I wondered about the nature of love. People keep talking about love all the time. What could it be? So then, I read all kinds of books and scriptures but did not find the definition of love anywhere. I was astonished that no scripture has defined love. It was not until I read a book by Kabir that I was satisfied. He is the one who defined love. His definition helped me. It says:

‘That which increases one moment and decreases the next, is not love:

That which resides in the heart and remains the same, is real love.’

I found this to be a beautiful definition. ‘Bravo! Kabir Sahib, I must say!’ This is the truest love of all. That, which never increases or decreases, is love.

One that does not increase, does not decrease, that is true love. That which rises and subsides is not love but is attachment! Where there is no expectation, no selfishness, no fault or blame or deceit, no judgment; flows steadily continuously, does not get overwhelmed when praised, does not detest when criticized, such unwavering and selfless love alone is pure love!

An enlightened embodiment of love only can give precise, real definition of true love. In this definition, we get the thermometer of true love. If we measure love with this thermometer, then the love that is talked about in all relationships in the world is not true love. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says the right thing, that love is a word of supernatural language, but by using this word in the day to day world, it has lost its credibility. There cannot be love in worldly life. People do not understand love.

Then, how do we understand love? Love should be tested and where the results of this test are adverse, there, it gets confirmed that this is not love. It means if we understand where love does not exist, then, we will understand what is true love.

Where There Is Selfishness, There Is No Love There!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “Where there is selfishness, there love cannot remain, and where there is love, there selfishness cannot remain.” Where there is “yours-mine”, there is certainly selfishness there. This is a popular definition of love, which we term as selfless love.

For example, two people do love marriage, and a few years later, when divorce happens, they go to the court to claim property. Two people come together and start a business in a partnership. Initially, a loving relationship is seen between the two. But as years pass by, with regards to profits, slowly, slowly, ‘mine-yours’ begins. In the greed of earning more, one partner deceives another. So that ‘my’ family gets a better advantage, one may even eliminate the partner from the business. This then gives rise to so much hatred in the partnership, that not a drop of love remains. If there was love between the two, then where did that go?

Two brothers are living together in one house with love. But after they get married, both fight for their parents’ wealth and separate. Oh, for the sake of wealth, they will even throw out their parents from the house. Until the cow gives milk, they keep it in the house, then after that, they put it in the slaughter house. That means, until the self-interest is maintained, one considers others to be their own, and when the self-interest is not served, then they become alien. Then, how can this be called love?

Where one cannot give what is theirs to others, on the contrary, one tends to grab even that which is others’, there, love just cannot exist. Where one is always concerned about one’s own benefits, love cannot exist there. Where there is such selfish intellect, there is a discrimination between mine and yours, where there is selfishness, there is no love there.

Where There Are Expectations, There’s No Love There!

Expectations arise from each other in relationships that, “I do so much for you, in return, what did you do for me?” Everyone expects two words of praise, if nothing more, in return of the good they have done; one values my work, that expectation remains. Where there is an expectation to get something in return, there is no love there. This is another known definition of love, which we call as unconditional love.

The one for whom, out of attachment, we do everything possible, when that person does not fulfill our expectations, we develop hatred towards him/her only. When children are nurtured and raised, then in return, they listen to us, they make us proud in the society, such expectations arise in parents. When children do something adverse, “It would have been good if you had not been born as my child!” such bitter words get uttered. In a husband-wife relationship, there is an expectation of getting happiness from each other. The husband has the expectation that his wife cooks good food for him and the wife has expectations that her husband helps her in the household work, does the outside work. Expectations do not get fulfilled, so clashes begin between the two. The wife will tell the husband, “You don’t love me, you don’t take care of me.” And the husband will complain, “I struggle so hard to fulfill all your expectations, but you are never satisfied.” Consequently, there are fights at home.

In true love, there is no expectation. Where there is expectation, there is only attachment there, illusory attachment.

If the other person behaves as per our expectation and calls us (speaks to us) with love, we feel very happy, and if the other person behaves contrary to our expectations, insults us, we get unhappy. But we are not aware of the mystery behind the other person fulfilling or not fulfilling our expectations. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan reveals this mystery here.

“People who expect love are foolish. People will only address you with love if your merit karma is unfolding. Relative, worldly love is the result of merit karma. When your demerit karma unfolds, your own brother will insult and hurt you, even if you have been there at his side during all his troubles. This is all the effect of merit and demerit karma but we blame others for it. It is like blaming the postman for bringing us bad news.

So, it is not real love when your merit karma is unfolding. You will find love only in a Gnani Purush; otherwise, there is no such thing as love in this world.”

Where There Is an Intent of Gaining Advantage, There Is No Love There!

If we act lovingly with someone with the intention that, ‘This person will be useful to me in future’ or ‘This person will bring me advantage’, it is called deceit. For example, when some doctor comes to our house, we say “Welcome! Welcome!” and treat him very nicely. The reason behind doing so is the greed, that in future, if I contract a big disease, then this doctor will be of help to me. However, when our brother-in-law comes home, we do not even look at him. Because he is of no use to us. Thus, we harbor deceit with the hope of a future gain. But we do not know what the future holds for me. Death can come at any moment, so what is the point of harboring an intent of deriving advantage in future?

Where our behavior is tainted with such deceit, the other person also can sense that, ‘this person’s intent is that of taking some advantage from me.’ As a result, their mutual love does not prevail. Love without an intent of gaining any advantage is called pure love. This is one more real meaning of love. On the contrary, in true love, there is a spirit of giving away graciously, there is an intent of sacrifice only.

Many people say that we have love for God. But true love should be without any purpose, should be purposeless. If behind the prayers-devotion-darshan of God is an expectation or a desire to gain something from God, then even the love towards God is not true love. “Please bless the whole world, but begin with me”, if looking for such an advantage, we love God, then it shows we do not have complete love for God.

Where Fault Is Seen, There Is No Love There!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “Love is such a thing that no fault can be seen. Therefore, if faults are seen, it was not love.” Seeing flawless is an integral part of definition of love.

Those with whom we reside day and night, we cannot live without seeing their faults. “He didn’t do this, did not keep it that way, is not doing it this way, is always doing like that.” We are always complaining about people close to us and we believe that we love each other.

Actually, where there is true love, everything that the other person does is acceptable. But here, if the wife cooks good fritters, then the love for her increases; and when the same wife presses for buying an expensive diamond set and sees the husband as fully faulty, upon him not being able to afford it, then would the love on the wife sustain? When the son wins a prize in sports, parents are delighted, and when the same child fails in his exams, the parents get wild on him. How can this be called love? When a newly-wed daughter-in-law arrives at her in-laws and the mother-in-law insults her, the daughter-in-law keeps an intense mental note of it. She then remembers it for the rest of her life. From one negative intense mental note, dislike, hatred and contempt keep arising out of it.

Where constant attachment and hatred keep happening, there is no love there. Whom we love, not even a single fault of his/her is seen. Not one fault of the other person is seen.

Where There Is Narrow-Mindedness, There Is No Love There!

Where there is love, there is no narrow-mindedness there, only broadness. One buys toys for one’s own children and when the sister-in-law's child comes to play, one will say, “Hide these very quickly”; now that is not called love. One with love maintains equal love for everyone, and without any discrimination, accepts everyone with a big heart.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives us a beautiful example of narrow-mindedness.

Questioner: Can love be so limited that it becomes exclusive towards only one individual?

Dadashri: Love has no limitations. If it has limits and is confined, then it is called infatuation and attraction. How can it be limited? If four brothers live under one roof along with their wives and children, as long as they all live together, they will say, ‘this is our home’. But when they each move away and make their own homes, they will begin to say, ‘this is our home and that is yours’. This is how limitation arises. So, the love that had developed and encompassed the entire household has narrowed down upon their separation. As a whole group, their love is intact. Where there is real love, there is no limitation, or separation. It is boundless.

Where There Is Attachment, There Is No Love There!

People in the world consider attachment and moha also as love! But there is an expectation of reciprocation in both, and when not reciprocated, the turmoil that happens inside, seeing that we come to know that this was not pure love!

Where bound with each other through moha, there, with moha subsiding, they part ways. If there is true love, they will never separate. In affectionate relationships, when favorable happens, the love suddenly increases, and when adverse happens, then suddenly, love decreases. Both are attachment, not love.

Where there is any kind of desire that, “I want this, want to obtain something”, there is moha there, there is attachment there. In attachment, there is excessive clinging and possessiveness towards the person. The other person also feels suffocated and bored, and eventually in reaction, s/he scorns. Then, one complains, “I love him/her so much, yet s/he scorned me.” But true love can never be scorned by anyone.

Being Emotional or Over-Expressing Feelings Is Not Love!

We often believe that a person who is not emotional is like a stone. In worldly relations, one must have feelings. But really speaking, being emotional or over-expressing feelings is attachment only.

Like when a train is in motion, is moving, until then, it is safe. But if the train gets emotional, an accident would occur. Similarly, as long as the person is natural, everything goes well, but when one gets emotional, gets agitated due to excessive emotions, then leave aside love, one happens to cause pain to himself and others.

If the other person deviates even a bit from what was decided, one loses temper. Where there is excessive moha, even if a little bit gets disturbed, one becomes emotional. In a normal interaction also, the intellect keeps interfering, “Should I do this or not, will it look good? Would it look bad?”, if no one considers you important, then, “Why didn’t they ask me and do? There’s no value of mine?” - all of this means being emotional. Many organisms in the body die because of getting emotional.

Whether it is being emotional or feelings and over-expressing those feelings, neither of these is love. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “As long as there is any degree of sentimentality, and as long as there is infatuation and attraction, the person will have tension and it will show on his face”.

Love Means…

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains the true definition of love to us.

Love means…

• One that does not increase, does not decrease, but flows constantly
• Wherein there is no expectation of reciprocation
• Wherein nobody’s negatives or faults are not seen, does not cause pain to anyone
• Where there is no selfishness, no desire, no expectation, no blame, no disagreement, no intense mental notes
• Where there is no law, no power, no discrimination

In short, there is no egoism or attachment in true love. Unwavering and selfless love is pure love! And pure love only is divine love.