How to show love to your children?

In worldly interactions, children can be won over by love only. There, all the other weapons would ultimately prove futile. Parents always think that we are giving love to our children. But the meaning of the word love is very deep. Many parents raise their children with attachment (moha); or thinking it as their duty, they raise them with weariness. Parents have an expectation that my child obeys what I say; and if that does not happen, they get upset. That’s not love, but it’s mere attachment. Do we truly know how to show love to our children?

When the child brings ninety percent marks in the twelfth grade, parents get happy, they throw a party, and they can’t stop praising their child’s intelligence! They gift him a new bike. Four days later, when the same child crashes that bike and the bike is in pieces, then what will these parents say? “You don’t have brains, you’re an idiot, you will not get anything anymore!” In four days, they take back the certificate of “My child is intelligent!” The entire love vanishes! Can this be called love?

We have to show love with children. But what is love? If the child comes home doing good, parents are not overwhelmed with joy, and when comes home doing something bad, parents do not fire him. But such love is hard to find. Parents need to know how to show love to their children!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “Love must be one with understanding”. He gives parents the insight to test whether or not their love towards children is one with proper understanding.

Questioner: Nowadays, we think that the affection we have for our children is love.

Dadashri: Is that so? Even a sparrow has love for her young ones. When she returns to her nest with food, the little hatchlings get excited. The sparrow will place one seed at a time in the mouth of each of her young ones. I am amazed as to how she manages to store the seeds in her beak and yet dispense only one seed at a time in the mouths of her hatchlings.

Questioner: But how can they have infatuation and attraction when they do not have any intellect?

Dadashri: Yes. That is what I am telling you. This is just something to illustrate the point. Actually even that is not considered love. Love should be with understanding. Even then it is not considered love. This is just an analogy given to understand the difference between the two. Have you not heard people say that the cow has so much affection towards her calf and she has no expectations in return?

Here, we get an understanding of how a loving behaviour with children is like, how is it cultivated, and as parents, where do we stand.

Like a Gardener, Nurture the Plant with Love

There are various different flowers in a garden; a gardener nurtures each of those flower-plants with love. He gives manure and water to the plant, removes weeds from the plant, builds a fence around and provides protection to the plant, when the branch begins to bend from somewhere, he gives support so that the plant grows. But the gardener does not expect a rose to grow out of a jasmine plant, nor that jasmine only must come out of a rose plant.

Similarly, we should allow children to blossom according to their own nature. We should nourish them according to his / her nature. This is one of the most effective ways to how to show love to your children. But the mistake of parents happens when they try to nurture their children according to their (parents’) nature. Suppose the parents have two sons, one is calm and the other one is mischievous. So, in front of guests, the parent nags, “The younger one is very stubborn, he never listens.” Now, the younger son also hears that and then he binds a grudge in his mind that, “Go, now I will not listen at all!” Thus, he gets even more stubborn.

In children’s nature, there will be both good and bad qualities. Raising children with love means to appreciate their good qualities, to encourage them. And when the child does something wrong and comes, lies, steals, gets angry when his will is not done, acts stubborn, then parents should provide right understanding to them. But the moment parents see their children do something wrong, they immediately react. So, pertaining to this, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan provides beautiful understanding.

Questioner: If someone is doing something wrong and you comment on his negative actions in order to help him but instead the comment hurts him, how can that problem be solved?

Dadashri: There is no problem in cautioning him, but you should know how to do it.

Questioner: How should we tell him?

Dadashri: If you tell your son, ‘You are a donkey. You have no sense,’ his ego will be hurt. Does he also not have an ego? If your boss were to tell you the same words at work, how would you feel? You cannot use such words. You should know how to caution him.

Questioner: How should we do it?

Dadashri: Sit down with him and tell him gently that civilized and respectable people do not do such things. Talk to him gently and lovingly. But instead what you do is beat him and scold him. How can this be acceptable?

Without love, there can be no solutions. Even when you grow a plant, you have to nurture it with love. Merely pouring water over it and shouting at it will not do it. If done with love, if you talk to it with love, it will give you nice big flowers! So imagine how much more it can affect humans!

Parents should deal with children patiently and help them come out of their mistakes. A loving behaviour is such where parents are aware of the child’s weaknesses, and their positive efforts to bring the child out of it are going on. This is one of the indispensable ways to how to show love to your children.

Understand the Impact of Negative Words

Ever since children are small, parents keep nagging with so many negative sentences, ‘You’re too stubborn”, “You harass me a lot!”, “You never listen to me!”, “If you don’t study, you will never succeed, will do labor jobs”, “Your brother is studying so well; you are worthless!” Listening to these negative sentences constantly for years together deforms the child’s mental state. For so many years, parents scold their children, compare him/her with others, keep nagging them every time, which causes pain to the children.

Then, even children give their parents a certificate that, “You do not love me!” When children grow up, they run away from home, spend majority of their time outside with their friends, and come home late. If there is love, then when parents come home, children get extremely happy.

Parents have an expectation that in studies, my children also become intelligent just like me. Many a times, when the child is weak in studies, he/she has some other skill. But parents are not able to identify their natural skill. The parents should observe what good quality is there in the child.

If one has love for their children, then not a single fault of theirs is seen. As a part of duty, if you want to give some instruction, talk to them and make them understand. But do not hurt them by scolding them and speaking negative of them. This is another effective way to how to show love to your children. Many parents have a question of what to do when children do not understand despite explaining to them so many times. A similar question was asked to Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan as well. The understanding that he had given then, can be useful even today.

Questioner: There are lots of responsibilities in life and it is our duty to carry them out. In the process of carrying out these responsibilities, occasionally some harsh words have to be used. Is that considered a sin, demerit karma?

Dadashri: What is the expression on your face when you utter these words? Is it like a beautiful rose? If there is disgust on your face, understand that you have hurt the other person and created demerit karma. You should say what you have to say with calm and poise, without using bitter words. Speak calmly and with understanding and love, using only a few words and one day you will win him over. If you use harsh words, he will become confrontational and you will bind negative karma. The child will also bind negative karma; he will think, ‘You can abuse me while I am young, but I will take care of you when I grow up’. So do not do such things. Make him understand instead. Love will win one day. You will not reap its rewards immediately. Continue your love for a month and then see its results.

Questioner: What should we do if he does not understand, even though we try our best to explain things to him?

Dadashri: There is no need to explain. Just love him. But you should also gently try to make him understand. Do we use such bitter language with our neighbors?

Questioner: But one needs to have so much patience.

Dadashri: If a small rock rolls down from a hilltop and hits you, whom do you blame? Would you not just keep quiet when you do not see anyone and realize that it fell by itself? You do not blame the rock. In the same token, when a person insults you, the insult is your past karmic accounts being settled, except in this situation you see the ‘doer’, but in reality the insults come by themselves, he is merely instrumental in the process. Everything that happens in this world is settlement of past karmic accounts. New karmic accounts are being created as the old ones are being settled. So when you talk to your children, speak to them gently.

Avoid Expecting Reciprocation

This is another way of how to show love to your children. From the time when children are small, parents work very hard for them, earn money, do savings and educate their children. Later, when children grow up, an expectation of reciprocation from children begins to arise in the parents. When the expectations are not fulfilled, the parents feel a lot of hatred and hurt within. Where there is even slight expectation of reciprocation, there is no love there. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan sheds light on this very matter.

Dadashri: So infatuation and attraction is found where there is expectation for something in return. How many people must there be in India who have no expectations?

Even when a person grows a mango tree he does it with the expectation that he and his family will enjoy its fruit. He even expects his grandchildren to benefit from it. He does not nurture the tree for the sake of nurturing it and not expecting anything in return. He nurtures it for its fruit. That is why people raise children, for their own benefit, so that their children will take care of them later on. Do you think they raise their children so the children would abuse them when they are old?

Questioner: They raise them so they will take care of them.

Dadashri: But nowadays they abuse them. One man told me, ‘My son does not take care of me’. I replied, ‘Then what do you expect, you yourself are not deserving of their care.’

It is every child’s duty for sure to serve his/her parents, and one must do so. But when parents pamper excessively, they should be aware that whether children reciprocate or not, yet love does not decrease. There is a saying that, “The child could become a bad child, but a mother can never become a bad mother!”

Improve Children with Love

In order to improve children, if parents wish that their children listen to them, then the parents should change their way of talking to them. Because, the moment children hear an authoritative voice, they close their doors, meaning their power to accept shuts down. Just like in tea, if we add one spoon of sugar, it will dissolve. But what if we add fifty spoons of sugar? Similarly, if parents keep nagging their children right from childhood, then the children do not accept what their parents say to them. Even to a small four-year old child, one must explain politely.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives a master key to correct the children.

Dadashri: Speak in such a manner that the other person’s ego does not arise. Whenever you say anything to your child, your voice should not be authoritative.

Questioner: Yes, you had said that we should stop talking before the other person shuts us out.

Dadashri: Yes that is true. You should stop before you get shut out. It is foolishness to persist to the point where he does not heed you anymore. It should not be like that. I have never used an authoritative voice. Only when children are very young can one use authority in their voice. Even in such a situation, I show only love towards them. I win them with love.

Questioner: The power of love is greater than the power of authority, right?

Dadashri: Yes, but you can only love when all your other weaknesses go away. Children have good hearts. You should be kind to them. You can interfere with those who have a lot of intellect but not with those who are sincere and hearty.

When you plant something you have to nurture it and care for it. You cannot keep yelling at it and demand that it better bring forth big flowers. When even a rosebush thrives with love, what about humans? But these parents beat and abuse their own children!

The world always improves through love. There is no other solution for it. If it could improve through fear, intimidation and repression, then these governments would get rid of democracy and imprison whoever breaks the law and hang him.

The world can only change or improve with love. There is no other solution for it. If everything were to improve due to fear, this government democracy…. The government will destroy democracy and whoever commits a crime, will be jailed and hanged. The world will improve only with love.

Children are Hungry for Love

Children are hungry for love. If they find a loving environment at home itself, then they will not seek look outside. But due to the arguments with mother and disagreements with father at home, from young age itself, they get caught in a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship. If it is true love, then even two harsh words, when said with love, will not hurt children, it won't wound them. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “Even if you give a small tap on his head, he will start crying, why is that? Because he got hurt? No, it’s not because he is hurt. He felt insulted, that’s the pain he has.”

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that children are not vegetables that you have to mend them. Giving an excellent remedy to improve children, he says that, “Love is the only way to improve this world. That which the world calls love is not love, it is attachment. You love this little girl, but if she breaks the cup, then would love remain? At that time, you get upset. Therefore, it is attachment.”

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that if at home, children get love, love, and love only from their parents, then children will have no need to find love outside. When the environment at home becomes such, the kind of values we’ll give to children, they will behave accordingly.

Identifying Love towards Children

When do you know whether the parents’ love for their children is true or not? As long as one experiences sweetness, one does not realize anything, but as soon as there arises bitterness in the relationship, that’s when you know.

The son has remained obedient to his parents during the entire life. But just once out of anger, owing to circumstances, if the son tells his father, “You are without a brain”, then the relationship breaks for lifetime! The father also says, “You’re not my son, and I am not your father!’ And both part ways. A lifetime difference gets created between the two. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says, “If it is true love, then it remains as is forever, even if one abuses or fights. there are many quarrels or disagreements. How can the love other than this be called true love? Love with a vested interest itself is called infatuation.”

When children do good, parents behave with them nicely, and if they do something wrong, parents behave badly, such love that of action-reaction is not said to be true. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says, “This is like the love between a merchant and a customer, it is transaction-based. Love in this world is called attachment. Love is that where you feel like staying together all the time. You like everything about him/her. There is no action and reaction in it. The flow of love is constant. There is no fluctuation, there is no input-output. The nature of attachment is that of input and output.”

Using these beautiful keys on how to show love to children given by Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan, every parent will learn to behave lovingly with their children.