How to control anger in a relationship?

Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Place

Let’s explore how to control anger in a relationship. When someone gets angry on us, are we able to tolerate it? If someone gets angry with us and we are not able to tolerate, and we keep getting angry on others all day long, how fair is that? Placing ourselves in the other person’s place is called humanity. When we are angry on someone, at that time, such thought should come to our mind that, “If I would be in that person’s place, what would be my condition?”

Actually, even before getting angry, if the thought comes that, “If someone gets angry with me like this, would I like it or I wouldn’t?”, then the anger shall subside there and then. Treating others in the same manner as we would like to be treated is the foundation of humanity.

Do Not Spoil Your Mind towards Any Person

Mostly, when someone does not do according to our expectations, when our will does not happen, when one insults us, we get angry on them. We should not allow our mind to spoil regarding the person on whom we are angry. When negative thoughts arise in mind, make them positive instead, that, “It is because of the account (karmic account) of my destiny that this person is doing so. Whatever he is doing is (because of) the rising of my own karma, he is just an instrument (through whom the result of my karma is delivered).” We should keep on improving our mind in this manner. Once our mind is changed for the other person, then we stop getting angry on him. It will not stop suddenly. For some time, it shall give the effects of the past and thereafter slowly, slowly, anger will stop.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “Say I keep getting angry with this man and then I decide that my anger towards him is the result of me previously seeing faults in him. Now whatever wrong he does, if I do not let it affect my mind, then the anger towards him will gradually cease. However, if there are some results of the past, then that many will come, but everything else will cease later on.” He summarizes the above by saying that, “As we stop seeing faults of others, everything stops.”

See Others as Innocent

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan provides the key to cultivate the vision of seeing the other person innocent by giving a beautiful and logical example. Although it seems to be difficult, this is the most effective way to understand how to control anger in a relationship.

Questioner: Say I end up getting angry with someone who is close to me. The person may even be right according to his viewpoint. Yet I end up getting angry from my viewpoint, so what is the reason that I end up getting angry?

Dadashri: If you are walking along, and a stone falls from a building onto your head and you start bleeding, then would you get very angry at that time?

Questioner: No, in that case, it just happened.

Dadashri: No, but why do you not get angry in that situation? So, when you do not see anybody there, then how would anger arise?

Questioner: No one threw the stone intentionally.

Dadashri: And if you were to go out now and a boy were to throw a stone at you and you were to get hit by it and start bleeding, then you would get angry at him. Why is that? You would say, “That boy threw a stone at me and that is why I started bleeding.” That is why you would get angry and say, “Why did you throw it?” Whereas if a stone were to come rolling down from a hill and it were to hit you on the head and you were to start bleeding, then you would look around but you would not get angry!

In the other situation, it appears to a person that, ‘This person is indeed the one doing it.’ No one can ever hit another person intentionally. Therefore, whether a stone rolls down from a hill or a person throws a stone at you, the two are actually the same. However, due to illusion it seems that, ‘This person is doing it.’ No one in this world has the ability to go to the toilet [at will].

As you know that nobody has hit it intentionally, therefore in that situation, you do not get angry. Moreover, you say, “I end up getting angry. I am very short-tempered by nature.” Oh mortal one, it is not in your inherent nature to get angry. Why don’t you get angry with a police officer? Why don’t you get angry when a police officer scold you? You get angry with your wife, you get angry with the children, the neighbours. You get angry with your subordinates, but why don’t you get angry with your boss? Anger cannot arise in a person on its own, by one’s inherent nature. Actually, one wants to do his wilfulness.

Questioner: How can it be controlled?

Dadashri: Through understanding. The person who you come across is actually instrumental in the process and is giving you the result of your very own karma. He has become instrumental in the process. Now if you understand this, then the anger can come under control. When you see a stone falling from a hill, then you are able to control your anger. So here, too, you need to understand that all this is indeed like a hill.

If another car comes at you from the wrong side of the road, then you would not scold the driver, would you? You would not get angry with him, would you? Why? Would you collide with the car and smash it? No. Why would you not do it there? You become wise in that situation that, ‘I may die.’ On the contrary, oh mortal one, you die even more when you get angry. However, you are not able to see the complete picture there, whereas in the other case, it can be seen overtly; that is the only difference! Would you not retaliate on the road? Would you not get angry even if the fault were of the other person?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: In the same way, you need to understand this when it comes to life as well.

Deduce through Intellect

When a big loss is incurred in the business or job, or some valuable thing gets broken in the house, then anger arises on the person responsible for this loss. Thing broke, and with anger, the person’s heart also broke. At that time, with intellect too, one can assess that by getting angry, will my loss be repaid? Will the broken thing get mended?

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “If the intellect were developed, if it were molded with understanding, then there wouldn’t be any quarrels at all.”

Therefore, if by doing anger, loss can be converted into profit, then we can understand that one must get angry. But if there is no benefit with it, then one should let go of it without doing any anger.

Do Not Suppose

Let’s see more about how to control anger in a relationship. Everyone wants to do work as per one’s own suppositions. And when the other person does not do accordingly (as per our will), then we get angry. When things do not happen according to our supposition, a thought should come to our mind then, that if everyone tries to do things according to their own suppositions, then vessels will clash with each other and no one will achieve anything.

Instead, we should not suppose anything, so then, nothing contrary to it can ever happen. And if you want to suppose, then suppose the reverse. For example, in a game, if you have a supposition to see all dice fall correct, then there, suppose that all dice should fall adverse. So even if only one dice falls right, you are not hurt, anger does not arise.

Come to the Other Person’s Level

When our speed of thoughts is faster than the speed of the other person’s thoughts, the other person does not get our point and the belts break. Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan refers to the speed of thoughts as revolution. When the revolution of our thoughts is 5000, and the other person’s revolution is 500, we do not know then how to go to the level of the other person and explain him, and we lose the patience. As a result, we end up getting angry.

While giving a solution to this, He says that in such situation we should slow down our revolutions, and talk to the other person after getting to his level. That is, we should present our side in the speed, in the words that the other person understands, and at regular intervals, we should ask, ‘Did you understand?’ If the other person does not understand, then upon changing our method, we should once again talk. By talking after taking such an adjustment, our anger shall remain in control, and the other person’s heart also shall not break.

Pratikraman, That’s Only the Right Solution!

When we go outside to listen to a discourse, they say there that keep mercy against anger, keep peace, keep equanimity, keep forgiveness. At that time, we feel in our mind, “Oh Man, anger keeps arising in me and you say keep forgiveness, but how do I keep forgiveness?” Hence, the discourse goes waste.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan shows a simpler and an accurate solution.

Dadashri: ‘What kind of weakness lies in me that I end up getting angry like this. I have done wrong.’ Repent in this way, and if you have a guru above you, then take his help and make a fi rm determination that this weakness does not arise again. Do not defend your anger from now on. On the contrary, do pratikraman for it.

So, make a note of how many times in a day you have hurt another living being through thought, speech, or action (atikraman) and with whom it happened. And do pratikraman at that time.

What should you do in pratikraman? If you got angry and the other person got hurt, then recall the Soul of the other person and ask for forgiveness. So, ask for forgiveness for what happened. Take a vow that you will not do it again. And alochana means to confess the mistake to me as in, “I have committed this mistake.”

All these remedies prevent us from getting angry over people, in various relationships, in different, different situations. Yet, in some close relationships like that of husband-wife, peer-to-peer, employer-employee, parent-child, etc., anger does come. At that time, anger can be prevented by closely recognizing the nature of the relationships, adjusting to the nature of the other person, and accordingly dealing with the other person. In this article, we find beautiful keys on how to control anger in a relationship, and thus, help reconcile in every relationship.