How to stop being angry parents for improving children?

What is the major reason for becoming angry parents? Well, every parent feels that as a parent, one must render the responsibility of directing children to the right path, and hence, it is necessary to get angry on children! But Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan totally rejects this worldly belief and gives a right understanding that children improve with love, and not by being angry.

Here, we get a complete understanding of how, without getting angry on children, without getting irritated, parents can raise their children with love so that their internal strength blossoms rather than breaking off. In other words, we get more than just anger management for parents.

Children Shall Never Improve with Anger

Mostly, parents get angry with their children for their studies, for work-related matters, for improving their behavior or for having them do what they (parents) ask them to. If children are cultured and obedient, they will listen until they are young. Then, once they start understanding, they oppose their parents. This is the case, especially in today’s generation. Leave aside improving them, on the contrary, the environment in the house becomes one full of clashes.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan, in logical terms, explains as follows, that if by getting angry, children improve, then do get angry. But if on the contrary, they are getting more stubborn, then one should stop getting angry.

Questioner: What should I do when I get angry with my children?

Dadashri: Anger arises due to lack of understanding. If you ask your child, “Did you enjoy this a lot?” Then he will reply, “I felt very bad within; I felt really miserable internally.” He feels hurt, you feel hurt! Then, what is the need to get agitated with the child? Moreover, if the child improves by getting agitated with him, then you should get agitated. If it gives a good result, then it is worth getting agitated. However, if it does not give a good result, then what is the point of getting agitated? If there is a benefit in getting angry, then do so; and if it does not give a benefit, then you should make do without getting angry!

Questioner: If I don’t get angry, then he will not listen to me at all, he will not eat at all.

Dadashri: Even after you get angry with him, it is not as if he listens to you!

Instead of Getting Angry, Explain Them

This is the key to overcome anger for angry parents! They usually get angry with their children when they do not listen to them, when they throw tantrums for food, for wearing clothes or for toys. Not only that, fear sets in children’s mind that Mom-Dad will scold, so when they grow big and come home having done something wrong outside, they don’t tell their parents about it. Rather than getting angry, right from childhood, if we explain and make them understand, then their behavior will improve, and when they grow up, they will not hide anything out of fear, from their parents. 

Lots of parents would come and ask questions to Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan, and in turn, gather the practical knowledge of how to interact with children. Some of that understanding is given here.

Dadashri: Here, we do not have any scolding at all, isn’t it? When scolded, one does not speak clearly (the truth) and then deceives (people). All of this deceit in the world has arisen due to this (scolding)! There is no need to scold anyone in this world! Today, if our child sees a movie and comes home, and we scold him, then next day, he will say something else, like there was some program at school, and shall go see a movie! In whose house, the mother is strict, her child would not know how to interact.

Questioner: When he drinks a lot of Pepsi, drinks a lot of Coke, eats a lot of chocolates, then I get angry.

Dadashri: What’s the need to get angry in that? Explain to him that eating too much will cause harm. Who’s scolding you? This is a wrong ego of being superior, of being a “Mom”!! Don’t know how to be a mother and keeps scolding the child all day long! You will know when the mother-in-law scolds you. Anyone would like scolding the child! Even the child would feel that she’s worse than a mother-in-law. So stop scolding your child. Slowly make him understand that this cannot be eaten, your body will unnecessarily go bad.

If he is doing something wrong, you do not have to keep hitting him. If he is doing something wrong and we keep hitting him, then what will happen? One man was beating his child as if he was washing clothes. Oh Man! Being a father, what are you doing to your child? At that moment, do you realize what is child deciding in his mind? He is unable to bear it, so he says, “When I grow up, I will beat you, just wait and watch.” He instills that intensely within! Then, he will keep beating his father every-day, once he grows up!

By beating, the world does not improve; by scolding or yelling, no one improves. By showing him through our actions will make the difference. As much you speak, that much is madness.

Maintain a Friendly Interaction With Children!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains that, when you make friends with children, they’ll improve. Or else as parents, if you will try to dominate over them, that all would be risky. When friend is doing something averse, how long do we explain to him? Until he agrees. But if he doesn’t agree, we let it go, saying ‘As you wish.’ We do not say anything that will annoy our friend. Similarly, when children do not agree, instead of making them agree by we getting angry, speak to them as a friend.

In worldly life, we may have to perform the duty as parents, but if we decide within ourselves that we want to stay with our children being like a child, we want to stay as a friend with them, then this will make it easier to deal with them in a friendly manner. No matter how hard we try from outside to be friendly with the children, but within, if we are believing that, ‘I’m a parent, I have to say to him/her (child)’, then children will not get the vibes of friendly behavior from their parents.

Handle with Care!

Parents think that they get angry for their children’s good, an inherent reason for not able to stop being angry parents. But parents do not realize that under the spell of their children’s attachment, in their attempts to improve them, knowingly-unknowingly they end up creating ruckus over small little things.

Nowadays, children’s minds have become weak, their tolerance power has also reduced. Once children begin to understand, then no matter with how good an intent we get angry on them, their ego gets hurt. As we keep getting with them over every little thing, finally upon growing big, they get fed up and react, and the anger done (so far) goes waste. Therefore, it is best that we explain, convince and lovingly interact with children.

Do Not Use an Authoritative Tone!

Parents always think that when children make a mistake, we must get strict and warn them! Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains how to speak with children in such a situation.

When children do something wrong, rather than getting angry, parents should lovingly ask them, “All of this that you are doing—do you feel it’s appropriate? Did you think about it prior to doing?” If you ask with such love, then on their own they will say, “No, I don’t feel it right.” Then explain to them calmly, “Then why unnecessarily do such things?”

If parents talk to them like this calmly, then children also understand. Because, they too understand that they have done wrong. But if parents get angry and yell, “Idiot, worthless, how could you do this?”, then on the contrary, children will also become adamant, “Now, I will do this only, go!”

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “The other person’s ego does not arise at all. We never use an authoritative tone. Therefore, authority should not exist. When you speak to children, the tone should not be authoritative.”

When we speak harshly to kids, we get angry on them, then when they grow big, what kind of adverse results can come, that Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains as follows:

Questioner: When living a worldly life, there are so many responsibilities to be rendered and to render responsibilities is a duty. In fulfilling such duty, if we are forced to use harsh words for no reason, then is that a sin or fault?

Dadashri: When we utter harsh words, at that time, how does our face become? Like a rose, isn’t it? If our facial expression gets spoilt, then know that it is a sin. When the words coming out of our mouth are such that our facial expression is spoilt, then know that it is a sin. Bitter words cannot be spoken, speak softly and slowly. Speak a few words, but say them slowly with an understanding, maintain love, one day you will win. You will not be able to win with the bitterness. The other person will react in opposition and shall bind adverse consequences. The child binds adverse results. ‘I am small right now, so they are scolding me like this. When I grow up, I will return this’, such results he would bind. Therefore, do not do this, make him understand. One day, love shall win. In two days itself, its result will not come. Keep maintaining love for ten days, for fifteen days, for a month. See, do see the result that comes of this love.

When children grow up and get matured, then parents complain that even after telling them again and again, they do not listen, they do not obey us only, then what should we do? How do we make them understand?

For this, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that, “When the words we say don’t bring results, then we should stop saying them. We are stupid, we do not know how to talk, so we should stop speaking. Our words do not fetch any result and on the contrary, our mind gets spoilt, our Soul gets spoilt. Who would want to do that?”

Knowing the adverse consequences of anger certainly will help in stopping us from being angry parents!

Children Improve with Love

Nowadays, showing affection by getting over-emotional is what parents term as love. There, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives us the understanding of how true love is like.

Dadashri: The only way to improve this world is Love. That which the world calls love is not love, that is attachment. You love this baby, but when she breaks the glass, does love remain? At that time, you get upset. Therefore, it is attachment. Children are seeking love, but they are not getting that love. Hence, their problem, they only know; they can neither share nor bear. The path for today’s youngsters lies with me. How to take the captaincy of this ship, that path we get from within only. Such love has arisen within me, which does not increase nor does it decrease. One that increases-decreases is called attachment. One that does not increase-decrease is divine love (God’s love). So, any person who comes surrenders. I do not want to make anyone surrender, but yet, everyone remains surrendered to love. That which is called true love, one will not get to see that. The world has not seen love. Seldom, when Gnani Purush or God is present, one sees love. There is no increase-decrease in love, there is detachment. That is love, that love of Gnanis itself is God (Parmatma).

Param Pujya Dadashri used to say, “Never hit children. If they make some mistake, we need to make them understand, and slowly placing our hand on their head, we need to make them understand. When given love, then child becomes good.”

The Remedy of Bhaav Pratikraman and Prayers

This remedy is subtle but the most doable one for all angry parents. When although it is not our desire yet we end up getting angry on children, then that very moment we should do pratikraman and step back. Remembering the Soul residing within the child, we should heartily ask for forgiveness from the child that, “I repent for having caused hurt to you by getting very angry on you. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Please forgive me. And give me strength so that I do not do such mistake again.” By seeking pardon in this manner, its effect reaches children instantly.

The other solution is that we should keep intending for children that their intellect gets positive. Children may or may not change overnight, but parents should always keep intending this. The inner intent that’s been since a very long time surely makes its impact on children. If we get adamant, then they will get even worse.