How to Overcome Fear of Humiliation?

In previous questions, we learnt regarding the fear of external objects and situations. However, some fears are completely internal. This inner fear, in each one, gets expressed in different ways. But the main reason behind it is the ‘fear of humiliation.’

Here, we will identify the fear of insult that arises in different situations and will obtain keys to come out of it.

Fear of Society, “What will people think?”

In life, when making any decision, a thought comes across our mind a hundred times that, “If I take this step, will mine look good or bad in front of my relatives and society?” At every step in life, questions arise in our mind that, “If I do not succeed in this, what will people think?” In short, we feel a constant pressure of what our image will be like, in the minds of people around us or in society.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan gives us an understanding that many a times, a habit of telling lies gets inculcated just so that ours does not look bad.

Questioner: Why do people lie without reason?

Dadashri: They do it because of their anger, pride, deceit and greed. They do it because they want to gain something. They may want respect, money or something else. They may even be afraid or have some hidden fear, and so they lie. People have a subtle fear deep within them, they may think, ‘what will they say to me?’ They gradually get into the habit of lying, to such a point that they will lie even when they do not have fear.

Actually, “What will people think? What will society say?” is just one kind of our belief only; it is our own self-created world only. So often, no one even comes to tell us that you did this good or you did bad. Yet, we alone roam around believing that, “What if someone will say so? How would it look?” Because everyone is trapped in their own world, in their own entanglements; no one has the leisure to keep thinking about us all the time.

We get a beautiful illustration of “What will people say?” in this story. There was a mouse. It had seven tails. Hence, everyone teased him, “Seven tailed mouse! A seven tailed mouse!” So, he got his one tail cut. Then, everyone again started teasing him, “Six tailed mouse! A six tailed mouse!” Again, he got his one tail cut, yet people continued to tease him. One by one, the mouse got all his tails cut. Then finally, they started teasing him, “Tailless mouse! A tailless mouse!” The moral of this story is that in every matter, people will say something. We should not be influenced by it and make wrong decisions in life.

There is one kind of ego working behind this fear. When we look good amongst people, our ego rises high. When we look bad amongst people, the same ego falls low. It is one form of passion for pride. Therefore, whenever such circumstances arise that ours looks bad, or we are proven wrong, there fear arises, which is one kind of fear of humiliation.

In a situation where fear of “What will people say?” arises, we should do an impartial check that, “Are we on the right path or on wrong?” If we are not doing anything that harms anyone, that hurts someone, we are not walking on a wrong path, and to snatch away things of someone or enjoying that which is illicit is not in our intention, then we need not be afraid. But if we are doing any of this, then the fear of society is valid, so that we stop doing wrong things. At that time, we must ask ourselves that, “What I am doing, is that right?” If we must be doing something wrong, then we will get a sense from within ourselves that, “This is wrong; we should not do it.”

But if we are walking on the right and good path, then instead of being afraid, we must keep our interactions natural and straightforward. Moreover, if we are moving ahead on the path that serves the purpose of human life, then there is no need to fear people saying something. Instead of being fearful of the society and hindering our progress, we should proceed by taking the advice of some elder, Guru or a well-wisher. This is a simple key to how to overcome fear of humiliation induced by society.

Stage Fear

Many times, we feel afraid of talking in front of people, which is called “stage fear”. Then, be it talking in a classroom before other students, or getting up on the stage and addressing people, or making one’s point in a meeting, many people start sweating when it is their turn to speak. Their hands and feet start shivering. “What if people laugh at me? What if they criticize me? What if they don’t listen to me or think bad of me?”, various such fears arise and hence words are not able to come out only from the mouth. Behind all of this, the fear of being humiliated is at work. From this fear of humiliation then, inferior complexity gets developed. Thereafter in every such situation, it produces fear.

Even before starting the work, if negative thoughts regarding the result begin, then failure in that work is certain. So rather than being afraid, make all the efforts remaining positive. Instead of taking one big step at once, take small-small steps. For example, if you have to speak in front of people, practice in advance and stay prepared. Try speaking in front of the family members or our friends. Doing so, gradually, the fear of speaking in public shall disappear.

In fear-inducing situations, do not succumb to the calculations of intellect like, “Can I say this or not?” Doing so, whether people before us are of our age or older to us, our inner peace will remain the same then.

Fear of Humiliation in Front of All

Sometimes, it so happens that in front of everyone, some person insults us very badly. Many a times, we have not been insulted, but seeing someone else being insulted, fear sets inside us that, “What if I am also insulted?” So, in the fear of humiliation, we stop advancing our steps beforehand only. For example, in somebody’s wedding, we are made to sit in the front row, and later, when some other special guest arrives, we are made to get up and are asked to sit in the latter row; hence we feel insulted. Due to the fear of such insults, many will not sit in the front row.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that the fear of humiliation is double the pride. A person who is afraid of being insulted is constantly in the process of ensuring that how do I not get insulted. At times, one even incurs a loss of money, but he is busy protecting himself only, “At least, I have not been insulted!”. For no reason, such a person roams around with loads of tension, constantly exercising caution that his respect be maintained and he does not get insulted.

We get a scientific understanding from Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan about how to get out of the fear of feeling insulted when someone says bitter words to us.

Questioner: Dada, when someone uses bitter words towards me, it is difficult to tolerate them. What should I do?

Dadashri: Let me clarify that for you. Say there is a thorn lying on the road. Thousands of people walk by it and nothing happens to them. But when ‘Chandubhai’ walks by, the thorn somehow pierces his foot through and through, even though it was pointing sideways! Touch (sparsha) of that which is bitter is due entirely to the account of karma. When the touch of the bitter happens (felt as bitter), then believe and understand that that much bitterness is now being deducted from the pending account of bitterness. Even the pleasure that touches is reduced by that amount from the pending account.

If an astrologer reads the palm of your hand and tells you that you have four situations that could cause untimely death (ghat), then you have to be careful during those situations. Now, if you overcome one such situation and find yourself living, then feel happy that there is one less in the balance! By the same token, when someone insults you, abuses you, or you have to face an unpleasant situation, you should be happy that there is one less account in the remaining balance.

Everything is very precise, methodical and balanced. There are pending accounts; this is no lie. There is accountability in everything up until death. All accounts are very precise; that you will get three hundred and one from this person, twenty-five from that person, ten from this person.

If you have an account of a thousand abuses from someone and he abuses you once, then you should tell yourself that, ‘At least there is one less from a thousand! Now only 999 are left!’

Yet, when this (that is bitter) touches, one does not like it. Why do you not like it even when it is being reduced from the pending account?

When a person is serving bitterness, you will not like it as long as you don’t know which account it comes from. But if you were to know that, ‘Oh! It belongs to this account!’ then you will like it. A person can only come to give the amount as long as it is in the pending account.

If you were to tell the other person, ‘Give me some more bitterness,’ even then the person would not. Nothing is under anyone’s control. These are all relative relations. Bitter or sweet, they are all consequences of a past karmic account. The one who mistreats you every day, may one day be very kind and caring to you! All these are karmically-connected (roonanubandhi) relations of demand and supply.

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that just as, in business, we keep an account of our profit and loss, similarly, keep an account of respect and insult as well. Add the amount of respect you receive into the loss account and the insults you receive into the profit account. Doing so, you believe that, the more the insults you receive, the more profit you have made. We get to know about this understanding of his, here. This is a unique key to how to overcome fear of humiliation.

Deposit It in the Ledger

Dadashri: Keep an account of respect and insult in your ledger. Whatever respect or insult someone gives you, deposit it in the ledger (of the non-Self account); do not give it back out on further credit. However large or small of a bitter dose someone gives you, accept it in the ledger. Decide that you want to accept about a hundred insults a month. However more there are in excess of that, you will gain that much of a profit. And if you get seventy instead of a hundred, then you are in a loss by thirty. So, the following month you should accept one hundred and thirty. If one accepts three hundred insults in his ledger, then the fear of insults no longer remains for him. When the fear of insults no longer remains, then no one will insult that person; that is indeed the rule. As long as there is fear, this ‘business’ exists. When the fear leaves, the business is closed. He then ‘sails’ across (to final liberation).

An Incidence in the Life of Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says, “To digest insult is a great strength.” Say once someone happens to insult us, and not a single negative feeling or vibration arises towards that person, then we are said to have digested the insult. Digesting insults in such a manner gives rise to tremendous strength within. With this strength, next time, in case an insult even bigger than this comes, we get the strength to digest it. He says that insults are beneficial and the one who insults is the benefactor. This understanding gets revealed in one of the incidents in His life, where Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan himself goes out to find someone who can insult him.

Five Hundred Rupees Reward

Dadashri: If someone hurls an abuse at you or says something you find insulting, then you are considered to have tremendous merit karma. Otherwise, you would not come across such a situation, would you! Ten to fifteen years ago, I used to declare, “If anyone is in need of money, then come and slap me. I will give you five hundred rupees in compensation.” One person turned up. I told him, “You are in need of money, aren’t you? Do you need a hundred, two hundred rupees? Then your need will be satisfied today. I will give you five hundred rupees, with the condition that you slap me.” He replied, “No, Dada, I will not be able to do that.” So where can you find someone to even slap you? Even if you hire someone to do it, it may not work out. Nor is it guaranteed that you can hire someone to hurl abuse at you. So, a person who is getting this free of cost, while sitting at home, is considered to have tremendous merit karma, isn’t he! As such, I couldn’t find anyone to do that even when I was willing to pay five hundred rupees for it.

After Self-Realization, Insult Is a ‘Vitamin!’

Those who have attained Self-Realization, it is easier for them to understand that anger-pride-deceit-greed are internal weaknesses that obstruct the power of the Soul. The passion of ‘pride’ should be regarded as our enemy. When will the enemy named ‘pride’ be defeated? When the strength to digest insults will arise. Because pride is ‘food,’ but insult is ‘vitamin.’ So, if one says, ‘You don’t have any sense’, then we should say, ‘I never had since the beginning, did you just realize it?’, so that Protection of pride does not happen, pride breaks, and the power of the Soul starts manifesting.

‘S/he insulted me,’ with this knowledge, tremendous bad karmas are bound. As many insults we may have given (done of others) in the past, today, only that many are in our account, and only that many insults will come. Hence, those that come, credit them (endure them) with a calm mind. Do not begin with a new account.

When Will Pride Get Eradicated?

Dadashri: When the one who insults you is regarded as a benefactor, then your pride will get eradicated! Consider the one who truly insults you as your benefactor, but instead you feel hurt and disappointed when you get insulted.

It is worth getting a taste of insults. You do not get a taste of them when they come to you while you are at home; otherwise, your energies would increase a lot! However, you do not accept the insults when they come and you do not receive and accept them. In that case, how will the energies increase?

If someone tells you, “You are a fool, you don’t have any sense,” then you should tell him, “Sir, this is nothing new; I have always been like that.”

Questioner: So, does that mean that I should learn to tolerate insults?

Dadashri: The energy to tolerate insults will come once that pride goes away.

Don’t some people say, “They don’t value me”? What value did you have anyway? Go and ask the ocean what your value is. One wave will come and sweep you away! The owner of many waves has swept away many people like you! Those who do not have attachment and abhorrence are considered to have value!

Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan says that after attaining Self-Realization, if one knows to digest insults, then he becomes a ‘Gnani’ and one who has even a slightest fear of insult is not a ‘Gnani.’ One who has interest in pride is not a ‘Gnani.’ After attaining Self-Realization, have it in awareness that one whose insult is happening is not at all my form (Self) and no word can touch the Soul (the Self). An incident of insult is helpful in the manifestation of the knowledge of Self. Therefore, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan has given this aphorism that, if someone gives you respect, see him/her as enemy, and if one insults you, then s/he is releasing me from the tuber of pride, accordingly see him/her as your prime benefactor friend.